Fan-demonium

I am DESTRUCTOR!! ROAR!

As my brother Hollywood put it, "Even when your not here you still fuck things up"

With all loving tones intended...Im sure.

Of course, that was another incident altogether, several days after Id left the scene of the crime.

It was an innocent enough mistake! Too many glasses of champagne seemed to wipe clear from my mind the fact that the ceiling fan with a missing blade was NOT to be turned on.

And in my defense, I didnt mean to turn it on. I was looking for some light in that batcave of his.

It started off fine enough, a little wobbly, sure, but certainly nothing to freak out about. Not just yet, anyhow.

But it rapidly began picking up it's pace, swinging wildly in all directions. I screamed for Hollywood. Hollywood would fix it, I thought, Hollywood can fix anything! Trying my best to keep my cool with Alexis laughing uncontrollably in the corner, nearly on the floor in tears, I stretched my hand into the death trap above my head to pull the damn cord I knew had been there just a moment before.

But it was gone! In the erratic swaying, it had been sent up and over, wrapped around the top of the fixture.

Alexis, between her tears of laughter, screamed at me, as best she could, not to be sticking my hand up there.

"What the hell do you want me to do?!? I gotta turn it off!" Again, I screamed for Hollywood, who was in the kitchen making taquitos, completely unawares to what his darling older sister was doing to his room.

Dust from the blades flung itself into my eyes, and I turned my head away in time to hear a rather unfortunate creaking and then the feeling of plaster falling on my head. A glance upwards showed a slew of wires, still connected with the ceiling- dangling beneath it a three-bladed fan significantly closer to my head than it was just a moment ago.

With plaster now not just in my hair but my eyes, after having just blinked out the dust, I realized I was blindly shoving my hand into a very bad situation, and my head too, for that matter. I can't be sure, as it all happened so fast, but I vaguely remember Alexis, still laughing, grabbing my other arm and trying to pull me away.

But common sense demanded that I keep a hold of that thing. I had visions of that opening scene from Ghost Ship, where the metal wire snaps and cuts everyone in half. The best slice being the ship's Captain who has the upper half of his face removed. Awesome scene. Awesome. But not something I wanted happening to me. True, it wasn't a one inch cable moving with ridiculous momentum, but a wayward swinging fan seemed equally as dangerous were the wires to snap and the contraption to go flying. And frankly, I've become rather attached to the upper half of my face.

"Close the door!! Close the damn door!!" I screamed. Hollywood would see this soon enough, but I doubted it a good idea to allow the whole household to see what this off and on house guest had done to the property. Not until we could at least get it to stop spinning, anyway.

It was then that Hollywood walked in. What a scene! His sister covered in plaster, holding a spinning fan just above her head, her friend cackling madly a few feet away, probably on the floor. And him standing in the doorway with a baffled look on his face.

I had to stop myself from asking him where my taquitos were. One thing at a time.

Ian would tell me later that evening that every time he left the room, he half expected to come back and find a small fire burning in the corner, me laughing on the other side of the room swearing I had no idea how it happened.

This isn't an entirely inaccurate assumption, i must say. Given enough time, I might very well have started a fire. I may still. These things happen....to me. Or because of me, if you want to be technical.

Electronics are not a friend of mine. I want them to be. Ive no problem with them, but they sure as hell seem to have a problem with me. Remotes, computers, ceiling fans, they are all out to get me, I tells ya!

Eventually Ian got the fan turned off and left to shut off the power to the house so he could cut the wires and remove the dangling disaster.

Standing on my toes, still holding the thing above my head (and let me tell you those old ceiling fans are h-e-a-v-y) I realized I needed more documentation of this event and made Alexis switch places with me while I rummaged for the camera amongst the mess of scattered clothes and plaster dust.

I admit...I may have been taking my sweet time finding it. I was curious just how long she would stand there. A LONG time, it turns out.

"Hurry the fuck up! This thing is heavy!" She told me after about 5 minutes.

"Oh relax, what is your problem? I gotta find the camera. There, I got it. Oh wait, I have to delete some old photos..."

What a trooper that one is. By the time I got the photos deleted, the flash turned on and the shot framed, she was whining too much to get more than one shot. This was it:

Fan-tastic.

I told Ian just to put it on my tab.

Good Times.