At times myself tells me I should best be writing. And then I reply "Oh shut up self! Ill do as I damn well please! Why, if I want to sit and stare at a blank piece of paper for 45 minutes, I will!"

Sometimes, myself slaps me. Sometimes, I deserve it.

I heard an interesting point a few moons ago, just before my phone decided it would no longer remain charged. Of course, my charger remains plugged into a hidden outlet at Hollywood's house.

So it goes.

But the point was pertaining to an observation I'm all too familiar with; that the majority of people never seem to grow out of high school. "It's the theory of relativity," I was told "You can only see the difference in perspectives once you step aside from your current point of view." And this is true enough.

Not enough people ever feel the need or desire to step aside. Stuck in the perceptions they were born to; perhaps fearful of what a new sight would do to their blind securities, perhaps in denial that anything outside of what has already been learned by them even exists at all.

"Some people just don't want the truth." And this, too, is true enough. True, and eternally frightening to the likes of me.

I came across a forgotten feeling this evening, somewhere between dinner and cocktail hour.

So forgotten, in fact, that i first thought it was the flu.

But it was not an attack on my immune system, as id original thought, rather a subtle underlying loneliness that seemed to sneak up on me from nowhere. Impending, perhaps, from the upcoming departure of my sister, my better half, and my niece. Perhaps due to the uncertainty 2 weeks alone with my mother will bring, or the distance Ill soon know from my brothers, my friends out here on the West coast. Or perhaps still, none of these things singularly, but all of them conglomerated with others unknown.

It was not unwelcome. An underrated emotion, much as fear and anger. As any that is not joy or peace, it would seem.

I reflect upon my friends now, upon the people I miss. a hodgepodge of emotions and beliefs, ideas and ideals, but ultimately- and almost entirely- a sort of bohemian beatnik society. Dig it sweet.

Rebels at heart.

My secret kindreds share with each other an unquenchable thirst for life. Roaming the streets of their scattered cities and towns in search of this world's offerings. Little care given to whether they be dark or destructive, joyous or enraptured . Their interest is in favor of enlightenment, however it may come, which carries with it an unbounded ecstasy- often times intensified by the desperate wanderings of the uncertain and unfamiliar.

This one certain thing I have learned from myself and my loved ones on the matters of life and living, this one point I will leave this world swearing by: Feel as much as you can as often as you can. Do not discriminate but rather discern. no emotions, be it love, hate or careless indifference leaves you without lesson. No experience, if you are experiencing it correctly, leaves you without growth.

One can only hope.

Not to say I think it particularly healthy to brew in anger, resentment, pride or jealousy (to list examples of the 'negative' form). But know them, yes. Know them so you can know the joys of not knowing them.

I cannot conceive it healthy to brew in anything too long, or exclusively. The more time that passes in jubilation or admiration, lets say (to list examples of the 'positive' form), the more that seeps, the cloudier your vision becomes. Until soon you can see nothing. Until soon you are left blind.

Its all about the variations, the textures. Im all about the textures. I may not exude them, but I certainly hunt them out in the people I spend my time with.

I live vicariously through my cross country friends this summer. They place their lives into their backpack and ride or drive themselves across this country, stopping as many places as possible. I hope one day to do this too.

First...money. Yes, money first. This would have been wise to have when I first decided to cross to the other side of this country a month ago. Then a car, or perhaps a bike. And then I too shall see these things I'm told about.

I too can witness the shoe-licking phenomenon taking place amongst the buffalo folk.

I can witness the angry suburbias, the desolate fields of urban existence, the fiercely wicked city streets, all of which span almost perpetually across this land. The gaps filled by lonely interstates begging to be appreciated. Fear not, my lonely roads, though Ive yet to grace your crumbling asphalt, I appreciate you for all you represent to me.

Freedom to roam.

Your darkness is only half the appeal.